My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
