Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
two words: eviction party
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
