I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Randomize
