I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
