i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
