cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Randomize
