You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
