I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
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