Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
