i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
