My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
These 31 Gross People Really Put The ‘Trash’ In ‘Trashed’
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
21 Bartenders That Are Definitely Winning At Their Jobs
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment