I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
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Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
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It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
True strength comes from lack of pants