Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
