i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
