i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
