youre lurking in front of me
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Randomize
