Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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