Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
