well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
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