Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
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He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
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Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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