My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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