I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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