Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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