It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
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