took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
