Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
