Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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