Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Randomize
