I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
