She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
