Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
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