i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
