i love accidental penises.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
