I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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