I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Randomize
