I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Randomize
