im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
