Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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