please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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