I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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