If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
