I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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