Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Randomize
