I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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