i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Randomize
