I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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