Don't make out with my wife yet
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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