I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Randomize
