I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
