I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
