I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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