The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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