hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
