Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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