i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
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