I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
