Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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