I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
