We won't sleep together?
I love black thongs
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
