How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
