I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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